Wednesday, April 24, 2013

A Heart Full

I started this blog with the best of intentions, and with intention I have erred, because I for a while really did not keep up with it.  Not necessarily on purpose, but mainly because there was life to be lived and the joys and the struggles have been more than enough to keep a person occupied.

The past year has brought some really tough stuff my way, stuff that I'm not really going to talk about now, and I don't know when I will.  But it brought me to my knees in new ways, and shook loose the things that needed to be shaken.  Some by choice, some by circumstance, and some by merely saying, "Okay God, break me.  Just break me.  You're gonna do it anyway, so here I am willing.  Just break me."

I'm not entirely sure WHAT I was thinking when those words actually came out of my mouth, but let me forewarn you now, when you say something like that to God, He takes you seriously.  And by the end of the year, I had given up.  On my dreams, on music, on anything ever being better than it is right now.  And even though the circumstances in the "right now" were gut-wrenching, I also realized in a whole new way just how lucky I was (and am) to have the love of a good man, four beautiful kids, a good job, and a roof over our head.  Life had proven itself to be wholly uncertain, and I decided that perhaps I should just learn to be content with what I had.

I have to say, being content with what you have is always a good thing, but in this case, I felt as though I was "settling" to be content.  I've always been a dreamer, and dreaming small has never been a problem of mine.  But I was hurting, and tired, and tired of waiting for something good to happen. 
And I was just done. 

I'm grateful for a few things.  Number one, a husband who is too stubborn to let me quit.  Seriously.  How he puts up with me, I'll never know.  Secondly, for friends who let me call them any time just to cry even if they really didn't understand all that was going on (Nanci, Lindsey, Heidi, Mrs. P, Candace...I love you all way more than you'll ever know, and can't say enough thank you's for those conversations), and put up with me and encouraged me when I was a complete and utter mess.  But I'm mostly thankful that even in the middle of being broken, God works ALL things for my good, and is faithful even when I am faithless to the point of giving in.

I'll write more details later, but here's the skinny...since the beginning of this year, the changes that God has brought have been amazing, scary, and hard to grasp.  He has restored relationships with both my best friend and my dad, and out of that has come an opportunity to record a project in Nashville (squee!) in just under three months from now.  My heart is full, and my cup overflows. 

My goal is to start chronicling how we got here and where we are going.  But I ask that you pray for all three of us and our families.  The challenges along the way are numerous, but we know and have seen time and again that God is FAITHFUL.  Even on my worst days, I cannot ever go back and say that He is not.  And I can't wait to share this journey with all of you.