Thursday, May 2, 2013

When I Can't See

Today I got my very own Skype account.  I know, I know, welcome to the 21st century I guess. I got it to communicate with a friend who is far away traveling.  And I've been thinking about how much my perspective changed from when I could not see their face until the moment I could.  It's amazing the difference that seeing can make.

I mentioned before that there have been a lot of big things that have happened in my life this year.  There have been many wonderful and amazing things, but also some tough things that in the moment I have not understood, and a few that I still don't understand now.

One of the major things that has happened is the loss of people that I cared deeply about.  Some, gone from this life.  Some, walked out of my life, either for a season or for real.  There have been many times that I have felt forgotten.  Alone.  Abandoned.  And for the life of me, I really did not understand what possible purpose God could have, or why He would allow the things He did. 

In those moments, sometimes many times over, faith was a hard choice.  I had to believe, even when I could not see, that I was still loved and wanted by God.  But it was the only or shrivel up and die. 

Truthfully, I can't complain...even through the darkest moments, there were and are people near and dear to me who walked with me.  Who comforted me, listened to me cry and sometimes vent, who loved me unconditionally and still do.  They were Jesus with skin on and I will be forever grateful.

But I remember a point when things when one situation came to a head.  I remember getting off the phone after the most shocking conversation I'd ever had in my life, and having to go back to work without being able to put one thought together in my mind. 

As I sat there begging God to help me focus, even better to make sense of what I had heard, I will never forget hearing His still, small voice.  "Do you see now?  I wasn't doing this to HURT you, I was doing it to SAVE you.  Because this would have consumed you." 

And as I looked back over the situation in my mind, for the first time, I SAW.  It's amazing what seeing can do to your perspective.  But I realize now it's in choosing to believe, trust, and obey when I CAN'T see, in the moments when I don't understand, that make my faith, faith.  Without it, I'd never be able to see at all.  And I am grateful.

"When I can't see where You're leading me, still my heart.  Help me to believe that You love me, all of me"

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