When I Can't See

Today I got my very own Skype account.  I know, I know, welcome to the 21st century I guess. I got it to communicate with a friend who is far away traveling.  And I've been thinking about how much my perspective changed from when I could not see their face until the moment I could.  It's amazing the difference that seeing can make.

I mentioned before that there have been a lot of big things that have happened in my life this year.  There have been many wonderful and amazing things, but also some tough things that in the moment I have not understood, and a few that I still don't understand now.

One of the major things that has happened is the loss of people that I cared deeply about.  Some, gone from this life.  Some, walked out of my life, either for a season or for real.  There have been many times that I have felt forgotten.  Alone.  Abandoned.  And for the life of me, I really did not understand what possible purpose God could have, or why He would allow the things He did. 

In those moments, sometimes many times over, faith was a hard choice.  I had to believe, even when I could not see, that I was still loved and wanted by God.  But it was the only choice...trust or shrivel up and die. 

Truthfully, I can't complain...even through the darkest moments, there were and are people near and dear to me who walked with me.  Who comforted me, listened to me cry and sometimes vent, who loved me unconditionally and still do.  They were Jesus with skin on and I will be forever grateful.

But I remember a point when things when one situation came to a head.  I remember getting off the phone after the most shocking conversation I'd ever had in my life, and having to go back to work without being able to put one thought together in my mind. 

As I sat there begging God to help me focus, even better to make sense of what I had heard, I will never forget hearing His still, small voice.  "Do you see now?  I wasn't doing this to HURT you, I was doing it to SAVE you.  Because this would have consumed you." 

And as I looked back over the situation in my mind, for the first time, I SAW.  It's amazing what seeing can do to your perspective.  But I realize now it's in choosing to believe, trust, and obey when I CAN'T see, in the moments when I don't understand, that make my faith, faith.  Without it, I'd never be able to see at all.  And I am grateful.

"When I can't see where You're leading me, still my heart.  Help me to believe that You love me, all of me"

A Heart Full

I started this blog with the best of intentions, and with intention I have erred, because I for a while really did not keep up with it.  Not necessarily on purpose, but mainly because there was life to be lived and the joys and the struggles have been more than enough to keep a person occupied.

The past year has brought some really tough stuff my way, stuff that I'm not really going to talk about now, and I don't know when I will.  But it brought me to my knees in new ways, and shook loose the things that needed to be shaken.  Some by choice, some by circumstance, and some by merely saying, "Okay God, break me.  Just break me.  You're gonna do it anyway, so here I am willing.  Just break me."

I'm not entirely sure WHAT I was thinking when those words actually came out of my mouth, but let me forewarn you now, when you say something like that to God, He takes you seriously.  And by the end of the year, I had given up.  On my dreams, on music, on anything ever being better than it is right now.  And even though the circumstances in the "right now" were gut-wrenching, I also realized in a whole new way just how lucky I was (and am) to have the love of a good man, four beautiful kids, a good job, and a roof over our head.  Life had proven itself to be wholly uncertain, and I decided that perhaps I should just learn to be content with what I had.

I have to say, being content with what you have is always a good thing, but in this case, I felt as though I was "settling" to be content.  I've always been a dreamer, and dreaming small has never been a problem of mine.  But I was hurting, and tired, and tired of waiting for something good to happen. 
And I was just done. 

I'm grateful for a few things.  Number one, a husband who is too stubborn to let me quit.  Seriously.  How he puts up with me, I'll never know.  Secondly, for friends who let me call them any time just to cry even if they really didn't understand all that was going on (Nanci, Lindsey, Heidi, Mrs. P, Candace...I love you all way more than you'll ever know, and can't say enough thank you's for those conversations), and put up with me and encouraged me when I was a complete and utter mess.  But I'm mostly thankful that even in the middle of being broken, God works ALL things for my good, and is faithful even when I am faithless to the point of giving in.

I'll write more details later, but here's the skinny...since the beginning of this year, the changes that God has brought have been amazing, scary, and hard to grasp.  He has restored relationships with both my best friend and my dad, and out of that has come an opportunity to record a project in Nashville (squee!) in just under three months from now.  My heart is full, and my cup overflows. 

My goal is to start chronicling how we got here and where we are going.  But I ask that you pray for all three of us and our families.  The challenges along the way are numerous, but we know and have seen time and again that God is FAITHFUL.  Even on my worst days, I cannot ever go back and say that He is not.  And I can't wait to share this journey with all of you. 

From A Thankful Heart

So, I realize it's been a while since I updated this here blog.  So much has happened that I am not entirely sure where to start.  So I'm thinking it's time to make a list of things that have happened that I am beyond excited and grateful over.

*I was asked (and able) to "pinch hit" on background vocals at a gig with the incomparable and always wonderful Tenley Westbrook (you think I'm just saying that...totally not, she is tops).

*I found out that I will be an auntie again this spring...twice!  Yea for nieces and nephews!!

*The kids and I were able to go with my mom to visit relatives from The County...it has literally been years since I have been able to go up there for a real visit and it was absolute heaven.  I loved seeing the family, and I can't tell you adequately the feeling of awe you get when you come the top of a hill and all you can see is field and trees and big, big sky...it seems like you can see forever.  Especially at sunset.  Oh, the sunsets!!!!

*I was invited to sing at a concert with Justin Havu, musical genius (again, you may think I'm kidding...not even close.  Totally brilliant) for a live (and I hear recorded for DVD) concert.  Way cool and way fun.  If and when it is released I will totally post the details.

*I got a new job!!!!  This one is HUGE.  Totally wasn't looking for it, but once again God is just beyond good.  It is four days a week, better pay and hours, at Great Works Chiropractic and Wellness.  Look us up on facebook or better yet if you live in Seacoast ME/NH come on in and say hi and check it out.  I love it, and it is affording me the opportunity to spend more time with the kids and also the time to (finally) get serious about writing and singing and all that.

I have one other big thing in the pipeline that I can't quite share yet...but since the other ones are so good, I just know you'll be keeping those eyes peeled for it!  :)

A Beacon or a Battlefield

I was driving to church yesterday morning, and as I rounded the corner I could see, like I can on most clear days, the top of the steeple over the tree line as I came around the bend, still a good half mile from the church itself.  And for some bizarre reason, it struck me...I get excited when I see the steeple.  I know what I will find when I get there.  A place to rest at Jesus' feet, to gather with others who also live busy lives but like me have found it important, necessary even, to spend the time away from all the hustle, bustle, and noise of life and to climb under the feathers of the wings of our God and just rest.  Now, I could find a way to do that alone at any time, but I relish doing it in a community of believers because somehow it helps to know I am not the only one, and that I am surrounded by others who need the refreshment and rest as much as I do.
But I started to wonder...what do other people who maybe haven't stepped foot in a church (other than for a wedding or funeral) for a long time or maybe ever, think of when they see the steeple.  Do they see a beacon, like that of a lighthouse, calling out to all the hearts adrift on the often stormy seas of life?  Or do they see a battleground, a gathering of people who are judgmental and cold and out to ruin all their fun or take away their "rights", or perhaps even worse a gathering of people who are so stuck in their rules and regulations that they are willing to fight each other too just to be right.  I wonder if the people who see the steeple see it as the symbol of a beacon or a battlefield?
At our church we recently finished a series called "The Hole in our Gospel".  It really challenged me along with everyone else that if we really believe what we say we do, then we are called to be God's hands and feet in very practical ways not only inside the walls of our church but in our communities and homes.  The message of the gospel was not meant just to be talked about in our sanctuaries, but to be lived out in reality in a world that is often desperate for the smallest piece of hope to cling to.
James 1:26-27 (msg translation) has this to say about the matter:
Anyone who sets himself up as "religious" by talking a good game is self-deceived. This kind of religion is hot air and only hot air. Real religion, the kind that passes muster before God the Father, is this: Reach out to the homeless and loveless in their plight, and guard against corruption from the godless world.  
I wonder what people see when they see us too.  If we are the body of Christ on earth, His living, breathing, "churches", then what do people think when they see our "steeples"?  It's a very sobering, though-provoking thing to consider.  But it's worth the effort.  The people we run across on a daily basis or even once in a lifetime do not need another person they have to battle with, be it intellectually or otherwise.  They, too, need a place of rest, a haven and a help in a world that offers far more questions than answers, conflict rather than piece, that can chew up even the best of us and spit us out.  So here's the question for today:  Are we a beacon, or a battlefield?

Light it Up

So lately I just cannot ignore the way God is moving.  I don't know about the rest of you, but there is a sense of excitement, like little bits of electricity in the air lately.  And I have never felt more compelled or desired more to "light it up" everywhere and anywhere.
Scripture tells us to "Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father who is in heaven" (Matt. 5:16).  The thing is, I am pretty ordinary.  Take God out of the equation, and I'm pretty much your average girl.  Husband, four kids, nice apartment, jobs, etc.  Nothing all that special.  But I am seeing and experiencing what it means to hand over my life, everything I have, to God, no strings attached, and just say, "Here I am, use me.  Don't know what you can do with me, or why you would want me, but You've got me, all of me."  Letting your light shine is not about you.  You cannot produce the light on your own, and it's not about getting glory.  It's about walking daily with Jesus, letting Him take control, and shine through You. He is the light...we are merely the lanterns.
Lately, there have been so many things going on that just break the heart, around me, locally, and you don't have to look far to see the kinds of devastation that are being caused by weather alone.  Recently, a young boy's body was found in my town on a remote dirt road.  I live in a small town...these things aren't supposed to happen anywhere, but they definitely aren't "supposed" to happen here.  And for four trying and nerve wracking days, we didn't know who he was, what had happened, and who the perpetrator was or where they were.  Scary, heartbreaking stuff.  But what the devil means for evil....
There was a candlelight vigil on Tuesday night.  I was kindly volunteered (by someone else) to sing Amazing Grace.  So I did.  Impromptu.  In front of a few hundred people.  And sat back in amazement as that song was played over and over as the backdrop to the news story surrounding the event.  Amazing Grace on the news.  To God be the glory.
This remote road is not exactly easy to find if you don't know where you are going.  And yet this (as it turns out) out of town woman left her son there.  While what happened is totally heartbreaking, God is amazing.  The people who found him are Christians.  I was able to witness firsthand as they testified to the love of Christ in front of hundreds of people and at the service the following night.  And the wife also co-officiated this little boy's funeral in Texas.  To God be the glory.
This world is not our home.  It can be and many times is a scary place.  But we are called to be light, that our lives would shine so brightly that we light up the darkness around us in a way that attracts others to our Savior, who says if He be lifted up, He will draw all men.  Light it up people.  It's amazing!!

God Here, I Have Something to Say

Have you ever had a moment where you knew, straight up beyond a shadow of a doubt, that God was talking and confirming all the whispers you knew you were hearing all along, just to let you know that YES, you are on the right path, YES, that was me whispering, NO you are not forgotten!
If you are reading this you likely read my last post, Bloom Where You Are Planted.  Well, today I'd like to share something that was total confirmation in a way that gave me goosebumps.  It comes from the blog of Meredith Andrews, one of my favorite Christian worship artists.  She was writing about her experience of winning her first (two) Dove Awards this year...and finding out while in her pajamas at home feeding her baby.  This is what she wrote at the end of her post:

I share this with you not because I seek congratulations or accolades, for God has used this honor to bring about in me a renewed humility and gratitude, and I am again reminded that my only boast is in the cross. I say all this to encourage YOU, wherever you may be in your life. God has not forgotten you. He hasn't changed His mind concerning you. Romans 11:29 says, "God's gifts and his call are irrevocable." Philippians 1:6 says that we can be confident of this: "He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Jesus Christ." He will see you through. He will finish what He started in you. And in me. We can be sure of it.

So let's continue to bloom where we're planted and be faithful in small things. Let us press in to know Him, to seek out His heart and pursue His presence. May our complete and every day surrender be the natural response to His life laid down for us. For as I was reminded by a good friend recently, we can never out-give the Giver. We can never out-do God. He is always standing by, ready to teach us, ready to bless us, ready to lavish His love upon us as a Father lavishes love on His children, not because we are deserving, but simply because He is good.

Bloom Where You Are

So lately I've kind of felt like I've been in a holding pattern in a lot of areas in life...lots of possibilities, but no real actualities.  Anybody who knows me knows it makes me nuts to "live in limbo".  I like decisions, realities, even if they are not decisions or realities that I particularly like.
One of the things that I've been pondering is this feeling like I need to stretch, like I've somehow outgrown my little corner or something.  Wondering what the next thing is.  But in the process, I forgot something important...everything God does is on purpose.  Where ever we are in life or even in actuality (right now I am in my living room), is on purpose.
We are not called to merely sit here and just kill time waiting for the "next big thing" or adventure.  No.  I saw a sign today driving home from my daughter's dentist appointment.  Like I said, there is nothing coincidental.  It simply said "Bloom Where You Are".  It caught my attention in a big way.  Whenever we start to think we have grown to small for the space we're in, and get caught up in what ISN'T happening in our lives, we are merely taking up space and wilting where God called us to bloom.  He is the gardener.  He is going to place us in the perfect space to do the blooming and growing.  He is not going to place us somewhere where we don't have enough room to do the amount of growing we need; on the contrary, He will put us in the perfect place.  If we are willing, He has called us to bloom where we are.
And if you are thinking, "Yeah, but..", consider this...have you ever considered picking a seed?  Or a sprout? Or a wilted flower?  I'm guessing not.  But how often has a beautiful rose in bloom caught your eye?  Or that adorable daisy patch made you want to pick one?  They all bloom in different places.  But yet it's the full grown ones that catch our eye, that we want to pick.  If you don't bloom where you are, how are you going to catch anyone's attention?

And the attention we should be after, by the way, is that of the Gardener.  Oh how He longs to revel in us; oh, how we long to be reveled over, to be noticed and admired.  The only way to accomplish all of this is to bloom where you are.  :)